Looking after ourselves
Today I’m writing with my wife and mother hat on. It struck me yesterday when I was drinking up the beautiful perfume of my little jasmine plant that what I was doing was a little out of the ordinary.
I don’t very often do something nice just for me and just because I want to. I do look after my body (sport), and my brain (work), but I seldom do anything spontaneously nice just because I want to. Most of the time – and I’m sure most of you will relate to this – I do stuff for other people. I cook and clean, I do laundry and shop, I iron and pick up things I’m asked to pick up. I recycle, keep the garden under control, drive people to their activities, look after them when they are sick, help with homework and quite often am rewarded with bad temper, slamming doors and grunts. (I’m referring to the teenagers here – not my husband, who is even-tempered and a bit of a love and on the whole appreciates what I do). Most of what I do does not result in me receiving any acknowledgment or appreciation for my endeavours. Actually between you and me I think they think the fairies do everything and there are times when I have considered not doing it all – just so that they would see just what I actually do!
Anyway, I’m sure you get the picture.
I’ve long been of the opinion that it’s very difficult to change other people. Actually it might be impossible. All I can do is change how I behave and see what effect that has on others. And at the end of the day I do honestly believe most of the time that when this lot are grown up they will look back and appreciate everything I did for them. But that’s beside the point.
This is where the jasmine comes in. The jasmine cost very little but it has made me feel happy for several days. I have needed the jasmine this week. There have been a couple of fairly tumultuous evenings. Having done something nice for myself just took the edge off the conflict. I came up to my little office, closed the door and breathed deeply – and relaxed in the delightful perfume.
So often I end up coming last on the list. It’s my own fault I know, but somehow after almost 17 years of motherhood my brain is deeply programmed to put the others first, keep the show on the road and just keep on going. I’m not saying that it’s all a selfless ordeal – it really isn’t – on the whole I’m very happy with my life. Just sometimes though I think it really helps to do something for myself – just because it makes me feel nice. I realize how important it is to look after myself and really I’m just making sure the foundations are firm (in part because if I fall apart the whole kit and caboodle is going to come tumbling down!).
So go on, treat yourself today. You know you deserve it!
Helen
March 17th, 2011 at 4:38 pm
I have been a mum for double the length fo time you have – good heavens, that makes me sound SO old! And yes. You are right. It is still hard to justify doing or buying something only I will benefit from. Superficially. It took me many many years to recognise that the mood change in me if I DID do something just for me, was of huge benefit to the family.
A long time ago, I wrote about the wheel. A psychologist friend told me the analogy. The family is a wheel. The children are the spokes and the husband is the rim. The mother is the hub. The wheel will work with the spokes broken, or the rim dented. It will not, however, work if the hub is off centre. Mothers need to look after their own wellbeing to keep that hub centred, and that includes space, time, some indulgence and no guilt.
Especially the last part. Treating yourself is good. It is also essential. Enjoy!
March 18th, 2011 at 2:48 am
I think we often times come to that conclusion a little late in the game, but better late than never. Your kids will definitely appreciate you as they get older (if they don’t already). In the meantime, sometimes you have to be the one who appreciates you. Take the time to find those little things that put a smile on your face and go ahead and indulge!
March 18th, 2011 at 3:33 pm
You’re so right, Helen, we are hard-wired to put everyone else first. And I think it’s a bit of a generation thing too. There wasn’t any assertiveness training for girls in my day and you weren’t particularly pushed to be a high achiever. I love my life and wouldn’t want to be anyone else or be without my family for a millisecond. But that doesn’t mean to say I don’t deserve to be centre stage from time to time!
Go us!