What would YOU do?
Friends, I need your advice…
Imagine this scenario. Your almost 15 year old daughter is arranging a joint birthday sleepover with a friend who lives about 30 minutes drive away. 15 girls aged between 13-15 will be invited to stay over and the friend’s parents will go away for the weekend. There will therefore be no parental supervision.
When you express reservations, your daughter (of course) tells you that you have no idea, all other parents are allowing this (which I don’t believe) and that it’s time you learn to trust her…..and that she won’t speak to you ever again if you say no and ruin her life for ever.
What would YOU do?
And more to the point, how should one handle this without causing World War 3 to break out?
I know some of you have been here before me. What is the answer?
Helen
September 7th, 2011 at 10:43 am
Out of the question. No way on earth. I always said that I had no desire to be the most popular mother around. My job was to BE a mother. So be it. She can choose never to speak to you again, and you are fine with that. You will miss her chatter. However, you are Mum and your word is final. No. Trust is not the issue at all. It is about danger and group dynamics. And what are the other child’s parents thinking????
There. You may just get the idea that I think this is a crazy idea!!
September 7th, 2011 at 11:21 am
I imagine all the girls are telling their mothers the same thing: “the other parents are OK with this.” I find that hard to believe. Stand your ground. And when she carries on and threatens to hate you the rest of her life, remind her that what goes around comes around and some day she also may be blessed with a daughter who gives her all the grief she is giving you. (Been there, done that. Got the heartache and also the thanks from adult children who now appreciate me standing my ground.)
September 7th, 2011 at 11:23 am
WWIII will break out. But, it will be of a shorter duration than the regrets if something happens at the sleepover.
September 7th, 2011 at 11:29 am
I have no experience of this Helen but I think Linds is probably right. Good luck with this – it`s a tough call I know but you`ll come up with the right answer I know you will.
September 7th, 2011 at 11:42 am
I will just add one thing. My children grew up secure in the knowledge that Mum was Mum, not trying to be their friend. And….our house was always the one overflowing with kids, even though my own often thought I was the most evil mother on earth. I just grinned at them. Their friends LOVED coming to our house. They still do, for heaven’s sake – they come to chat to me now!
I was a tough Mum. I love my kids to bits, and we had a great deal of fun, but there were boundaries that were clearly defined. My 3 are now grown up and they survived, and they remember their childhood as great.
September 7th, 2011 at 11:54 am
Say no if that’s what you want to say. There are times you just have to let your kids hate you by doing the right thing. Your daughter will get over it. Most likely it will turn out to be a rubbish party anyway and she’ll be glad she wasn’t there. Can’t believe the parents aren’t going to be there – that’s irresponsible in my opinion. Keep your daughter safe.
September 7th, 2011 at 1:11 pm
“My dear daughter, I know this means a lot to you, but my answer is no. I am more concerned about being a good, careful mother than I am about your having a good time. I realize this is something you may not understand, but you will have to trust me, and I say no. Even if you cry and threaten and don’t speak to me for years, I must do what I know in my heart is right, and I’m sorry you don’t understand. And it doesn’t matter if other moms are allowing this, I am your mom, and no one loves you like I do. This is the last I will say about it and it’s not open for discussion. I love you, I want the best for you, and I am making this decision based on that. You have a choice to do the best with this, or make yourself miserable with this. I hope you will do the best you can with it.”
I think all the other commenters got it right too, Helen. What good insights! The calmer you are when you let her know this is the way it’s going to be, and let her see that you’re not perturbed, the better.
Thinking of you and praying for you all…. š
September 7th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
It really depends: do you know the birthday girl, do you know her parents? I probably would call a couple of the other mums to “test the waters” as well as the mother of the birthday girl to see what, if at all, she has in place in case of an emergency. Then I would go from there, meaning I’d go with my instinct. That way your daughter knows that you don’t just say no.
I’m glad that part of parenting is over for me.
September 7th, 2011 at 1:41 pm
I really have been there…and I would hold firm to my rule that there has to be parental supervision. I know things will be rough for awhile…but my 20 year old daughter thanks me nearly every day for being strict and keeping her out of tough situations.
September 7th, 2011 at 1:48 pm
I always found it interesting in these types of situations when I actually spoke with the other parents…they also didn’t agree but sometimes caved in from the “everyone else’s parents are letting them” line sometimes all it took was one parent admitting that they are not ok with the plan.
I would actually call the parents who are “hosting” this party and see what the real scoop is and let them know how you feel.
I really think parents should communicate with their kids friends parents, it didn’t always work and my kids didn’t always appreciate it but at 13-15 yrs they still need parenting!!
September 7th, 2011 at 4:22 pm
I am just popping by to say hello.I am also obsessed with knitting socks.i have been a quilter in the past but not any more.Before I blogged I was into penfriends-all over the world and I met a few of them.What I found strange was I could never imagine their accent!
As to advice about your daughter I would speak to the other parents.If you just let her go and then something happens you would never forgive yourself.Teenagers aren’t the easiest are they but they then grow into lovely young women.
September 7th, 2011 at 6:03 pm
Hm, although I understand Lindsay and the others, I do agree with Vreni. Our kids grow up very differently here in Switzerland to British or North American kids, in a culture that is more than subtly a world away, and this is one of the things where I think there is divergence.
However, in agreeing with Vreni, I would also say phone the host mom, call a couple of other moms and then see how you feel. Obviously, if your gut feeling says no, by all means go with it and stick to your guns. You know your daughter best and though she doesn’t want you to know it, her parameters were set long ago and it’s unlikely she’ll breach her boundaries. Nevertheless, she needs reminding now and again what’s ok with you – and what’s not. Some things will just have to wait till later.
Personally, although I wouldn’t be completely happy with no parental supervision, if it were my daughter and her friends, I would probably have allowed it on my terms (pre-calling etc.). When her friends all came here for her 15th, it was interesting to see how many other parents called us (or not) and which girls had to check in at regular intervals, including having me speak to the parent to be sure they were where they said there were. But they had a great time – never left the house, either. And we were home.
September 7th, 2011 at 8:23 pm
I don’t have experience raising girls, only boys, but no way would I have allowed that to happen. I always called the parent when there was a party or sleepover invitation. Any parent that would allow that is in my mind irresponsible. I always told the boys I was doing my job and sometimes that meant being “the meanest mother on earth”. They are 28-36 years old now and they are thanking me and Mr. R for the way they were raised. The greatest compliment is that they are raising their children with the same values!
September 7th, 2011 at 8:34 pm
No way would I let my sons spend the night unchaperoned at that age. But I can see where the culture might be different – kids are given (allowed?) more independence in Switzerland, from my (limited) experience. Call some ohter parents, see which other girls are going, and then rehearse, rehearse, rehearse with your daughter. What would she do if…the house caught on fire? Uninvited guests showed up? The kids brought out alochol? One of the girls suggested taking the tram into Zurich at 11:00? What would she say? Could she say no? Would she feel like she could call you? At the end of it, you might feel like she could actually handle it. And at the end of it, she might feel like she actually couldn’t.
September 7th, 2011 at 10:13 pm
As a mother who will be facing these kind of dilemnas in a few years my instinctive reaction was ‘Not a chance!’ It’s a tough stance to take but at the end of the day you are doing your job as a parent. Children have to learn how to deal with the disappointment, anger, etc that they feel. It’s part of life and a part of growing. Her independence is not too far away but must be earned gradually, not in huge leaps.
I may not have the right answer but it is what I would do in a similar situation.
September 8th, 2011 at 12:49 am
Make your decision based on your comfort level (not your daughter’s), then stick to your guns and know that she will thank you some day. In the meantime, know that being the “mean mom” is badge of honor you’ll be glad you have.
September 8th, 2011 at 1:04 am
Helen, it looks like you’ve gotten just about the same message from everyone, which is basically the same thing I would say on the subject. I haven’t been faced with the same situation, but I have called another child’s parents to find out if an evening party had parental supervision, which mortified my daughter at the time, but she got over it pretty quickly. I’d like to think that in this sleepover situation I would stick to my guns and be the “mean mom” if I had to. I DO think it is worth talking to the parents who are hosting the party though, so you can make an informed decision. Good luck!
September 8th, 2011 at 2:59 am
Helen one more thing……even though teens say that it mortifies them when you speak with their friends parents and also when you say no when you know you need to….deep down inside they know it is because you care. Amazingly, years later my girls have said thank you for when I was tough and even though back then I was second guessing myself.