Saying no and sticking to it
Saying ‘no’ at Church is a difficult thing. Not just for me. There is always, always, always guilt involved and sometimes, if I’m honest, people make use of those feelings in order to get others to do things that they want done.
For many, many years I was in charge of flowers and decorations for my Church. I was kind of coerced into the job in the first place by someone I’m very fond of and couldn’t say no to. Flowers are something I can do – the quilters innate knowledge about balance and colour have always helped me there. But while I can arrange flowers perfectly adequately, they are not really my thing. At least they are in my garden, but I have a bit of a hard time getting excited about a formal arrangement (or at least about a formal arrangement done by me!).
Over the years, the job started to be a real burden. I organized rotas, visited wholesalers, arranged for special events big and small, in memory of loved ones and for weddings. I made advent wreaths and organized a huge Easter flower festival every year. I spent too many Christmas Eve mornings driving around the local (crammed) supermarkets trying to find suitable flowers in the requisite colours (red and white) followed by several hours in a freezing church actually decorating.
Christmas was always the breaking point. By the time I had finished and run home to prepare everything for my family I was generally too exhausted to make it back into the city for Midnight Mass (which was a clue that maybe I was just doing too much!) There was generally an issue after Christmas – when we are often away – and I could never find anyone who could dismantle everything and tidy it away. One year this resulted in me having to just leave the arrangements, hoping that they wouldn’t die too quickly, which of course they inevitably did… and I had to deal with an angry chaplain when I came back. I’m not going to go into why he couldn’t just move them out of the way if they caused so much offence….just not going there, I’d never stop and you’d be here all day reading my rant!!!
I spent a lot of time over the past few years trying to find someone else to take over the job. I asked people, wrote witty little ads in the church magazine, conversed earnestly with the Church Council about the problem. You name it, I did it. And one day I just said no. It all felt like a weight on my shoulders and I couldn’t bear it anymore. So I wrote to the Church Council and resigned.
They weren’t very pleased, but they had to respect what I said. There was a fair bit of muttering and the odd caustic comment and I felt guilty as hell. But at the same time, oh so relieved.
And you know what happened? The very next week a nice retired lady volunteered of her own free will to take it over.
And I thought we all lived happily ever after.
Until yesterday.
When she phoned me up to ask me if I would like to decorate the church for Christmas.
I took a deep breath. I didn’t say what I thought, which was something along the lines of ‘are you completely insane? Why would I want to do that? I spent years getting rid of this burden. I am actually really enjoying not having to do the flowers this Christmas. And you’re asking me to do them AGAIN?’
I very quietly said ‘no, I’m sorry, but I’m busy and I don’t want to do them’.
There was a shocked silence on the other end of the phone.
And I felt guilty.
But I didn’t let myself to be talked into it. I stuck to my guns. I don’t want to do the flowers. Flowers in Church should not be arranged by someone with black, unwilling, resentful thoughts in her heart.
I’m still dealing with my feelings of guilt. But I also feel glad that I was brave enough to say no. I have done my time and I need a break – not just for me, but for my family too.
But I still feel bad. A little bit anyway.
Helen
December 16th, 2010 at 7:12 pm
Helen, of course you feel guilty – why do you think you did it for all those years. In any situation there are always a few people (and why are we always one of them) who seem to be responsible for things while others do nothing but complain about the results. So I say CONGRATULATIONS for having had the strength to say no! I would ask another thing of you – STOP FEELING GUILTY – you’ve done your bit, time for someone else to take up the slack.
P.S. no doubt if you had said YES that nice retired lady would have taken credit for the results (is that a bit too sarcastic for this time of year?).
December 17th, 2010 at 1:34 am
That’s what “they” are banking on; your guilt! It’s in a way no different than blackmail (maybe it’s a bit too strong a word, but you know what I mean). You have done your share, now it’s time for someone else to take over. So there’s no need to feel guilty, non at all!
December 17th, 2010 at 1:35 am
Way to go! I’m impressed. A good feeling to let go of things you don’t want to do and if others don’t get over it, that’s their problem. Be proud of yourself and enjoy the “extra” time.
December 17th, 2010 at 2:38 am
Good for you! I had a similar experience — I agreed to do a bunch of promotional writing for a charitable event one year, and ended up being asked again and again to do all sorts of similar jobs. Jobs I was capable of doing, but which I didn’t enjoy and didn’t really have time for. Much like your story. I finally starting saying no. It was hard at first, and I did have to say it a few times, because they kept asking. But my relief at refusing the task told me it was the right decision. Recently, I was asked yet again, and I politely declined, explaining that my plate was full and I simply couldn’t take on anything else. In the reply, the woman said she admired me for being able to say no, and wished she had the same resolve!
You DID help when you were asked. You helped extensively, for a long time. You deserve to say no, and have someone else step up to the plate. Don’t feel guilty!
December 17th, 2010 at 10:56 am
You so shouldn’t feel guilty about this. You said you didn’t want to help initially so I have no idea why they would come and ask you again! You definetly shouldn’t feel guilty, the person that called and asked you to help should though!
December 17th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Wow it sounds like your good nature was being taken advantage of and not fully appreciated but rather expected from year to year. Here’s a thought – why don’t they hire out the job and then everyone can enjoy the beauty equally without the resentment. I don’t think some people realize in this day and age that most women are out there working (as well as everything else they used to do before they were working) and don’t have as much free time to be donating to charitable works.
From your description it sounds like you were doing the tasks of what should have been a small army not one solitary individual. No wonder you got burnt out!! Smart decision. Enjoy your holiday with your family and don’t even think about feeling guilty!!
December 17th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
On the other hand – my current boss often reminds us to “presume good will”. Maybe that nice retired lady really thought you’d miss doing at least that one special day and wanted to honor you by asking you to come back and do just that one thing. Maybe she was shocked when you said so because she was glad you had such faith in her to do a good job without feeling like you needed to come back to supervise.
Maybe not. But at least we can pretend…while still saying “No, but thank you for thinking of me.”
And yes – you were doing the work of many!
February 25th, 2011 at 10:01 pm
I realize this is an older post but I just had to comment. It sounds like you have given and sacrificed for a long time, Helen, and your church was the recipient of some beautiful creations from your hands. We all need to say no at times and make sure we’re doing the most important things, not the most urgent things. I go to church myself because being there has *relieved* me of guilt, and is teaching me how to love better. I hope the well-meaning people who were disgruntled and eager to make you feel guilty rethink why they themselves are there. Jesus came to ease, no, carry our burdens. We (and those in leadership in our churches) might want to take note of how He did things. I’m preaching to myself here too. 🙂 Now stepping down off the soapbox.
I’m loving your blog!