At the start of the new school term in August I was full of verve and gusto – and lots of new resolutions, and the enthusiasm and motivation to jump in and stick to them all. I suddenly realised this when I was driving to the shops this morning. What happened? I’m really ashamed, not to mention mortified, but I have to confess  …nothing much…

I know I wrote here, clear as day in black and white with a little turquoise decoration, that I was jolly well going to make writing my priority. (In the sure-fire knowledge that if I didn’t, then nothing would ever happen).

Somehow, and to tell the truth, I really don’t know how, it all slipped….nothing happened….nada, nichts, rien du tout…

I feel ashamed. I wrote it here for goodness sake for all the world to read. And what happened? I singularly failed to deliver. Even worse, up till this morning I didn’t even feel bad about it. I just FORGOT! Didn’t give it one single tiddly little thought. It went down my finger onto the keyboard out into the ether and was just GONE. Not in my sorry little brain anymore….

How can I forget totally something that I really wanted to do?

…….

Well… life got in the way as always. But I think a bigger reason was just plain old tiredness. I have to get up so darned early to see the children out to school that it somehow scuppers my day, turns my brain to cotton wool and I think I spend quite a lot of my time just getting the things done that have to be done, arranged around the fixed points in my week, like my yoga class. I’m just not a 6am person and I think I’m trying to kid myself when I pretend that I am. 6am just totally wrecks me. No matter what time I go to bed I seem to be perpetually tired at the moment. I don’t think there’s anything physically wrong with me, I think it just comes down to horrible, horrible 6am. And my even more horrible, totally loathsome alarm clock (which just for the record is nowhere near as cool as the photo above!).

I’m not sure what I’m going to do . But I do have to do something. It can’t go on like this. And I do still very much want to write the novel that is bubbling away inside and raring to get out! More to the point I really want to be that person who has a dream, resolves to carry it out and actually has the strength of will to do it. I KNOW I CAN…..if I can just get some sleep first.

We have two weeks of school holidays coming up. I’m going to try to sleep a lot and draw stock. And turn back into the human being I was before.

And I’m going to try to write. I really am. And that’s a promise. You heard it here.

Helen

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 7th, 2010 at 1:19 pm and is filed under Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.